Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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