My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Terrible idea I love it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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