Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
