i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
