I want to have your abortion
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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