Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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