Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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