I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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