It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night