Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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