On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
