got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
