I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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