I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
