ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
