The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
