I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
