someone owes me an orgasm
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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