i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
