I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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