Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
