you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
