Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
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James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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