Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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