i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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