Do you still have your period?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she peed on how many people?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
