But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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