and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
