my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
