I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
