i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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