I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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