can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
