If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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