Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
