I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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