i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
