No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
