Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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