is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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