Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
