just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
