my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
