Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
