I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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