I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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