my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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