Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
