The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
