I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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