I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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