Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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