I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Less talking, more tequila
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
