I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
