my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
