On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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