I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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